Frequently Asked Questions (and some Aussie answers)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
(We also have the occasional cyclone. The country is bigger than mainland USA so the weather is dramatically different in different parts of the country. For the Council Meeting we will order just the right weather. )

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
(We do have kangaroos on our roads. They have a propensity for being attracted to car headlights and can be a serious hazard on the roads during dusk and at night.)

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
(There is a popular movie of some aboriginal youngsters following "the dog fence" from somewhere near Perth to find their parents some thousand or so miles away. It is better to actually take the trans-Australian railway which can be an interesting trip.)

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? ( Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
(There is a lot of bush in Australia, some tropical jungle and others alpine or pine forests. There are a lot of eucalypt (Gum) trees and walking through "eucalypt scrub can be a pleasant task". There are some snakes, but most Australians will not have seen a snake in the wild in their lifetime.)

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
(Australia is a very well developed country and has ATMs extensively throughout, and in most country towns and airports, etc.)

Q: Canyou give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
(Sounds like an interesting idea if we had some hippos to race. Like most developed countries, we have some specimens in our zoos but it is more realistic to consider camel racing or rodeos which are very popular.)

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
(Australia is in the southern hemisphere so the seasons are reversed to the northern hemisphere. Also, our night sky includes formations that are not seen in the northern sky, eg the Southern Cross, which is on our flag.)

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
(Australia has a very diverse cultural mix. Every culinary food is available and the food and water are very safe. Traditional Australian tucker might have been meat pies or steak and eggs but now Asian foods, European cuisines and even American food is readily available. McDonalds is even here.)

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
(There are serious centres for cultural works in the major cities, Adelaide, Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Hobart and Brisbane, and many regional centres. Most states have regular festivals of various types. Adelaide for instance hosts the Fringe Festival Womadelaide (an international music festival), and has produced its own production, which was widely acclaimed, of Wagner’s "Ring".)

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
(Dress styles in Australia are a little more casual, but we all still enjoy dressing up. High heels for ladies is very conventional.)

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
(As a highly developed country we hopefully do not have quite as many fast food outlets as prevails in the USA, but supermarkets with a large range of goods will be readily available in all cities and towns.)

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled by our children and make good pets.
(There are some seriously poisonous snakes in Australia, and South Australia hosts one of the most dangerous which is called the common brown snake. These do exist in suburban Adelaide, which is why walking in the grass in bare feet is not recommended. However, the snake is not aggressive and will normally not stay around where people are moving. This may be why most South Australians have never seen one in the wild.)

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
(Seriously, the animal is the Koala and interestingly it is not a “bear” as such. They exist in suburban Adelaide although you will need to look fairly carefully to see them in the eucalypt trees. They are very numerous on Kangaroo Island and discussions about control including culling have been on foot. They are a benign animal but might urinate while being cuddled. They are also a hazard on the roads and there are special ladders in the middle of some of our highways to let the Koalas cross safely over barriers.)

Q:Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
(A world renowned company Jurlique was founded in South Australia and has its headquarters in Mt Barker just outside Adelaide. With hotter and drier climate conditions use of deodorant is conventional in Australia.)

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
(Australia is a developed country and is open to the same product areas as others. Perhaps Sydney is an initial market, where there are some 4 to 5 million people, many seeking the answers that are potentially available in a bottle.)

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
(There are significant mining and foresting areas in Tasmania and it is highly likely that population inbalance does exist in these areas.)

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
(Yes we do, even to the extent that we use Christmas trees and simulated snow. In fact, we also have more holidays over this period (which is our summer) than people in Europe and the US. There is a growing trend to convert some of the traditions to more Australian style by not having a huge Christmas dinner, with turkey etc, but an Aussie barbie.)

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
(This may be a big call. Sydney is a city of nearly 5 million people. People marry and change names.)

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
(English is the official language of our country and will be understood everywhere. There are however large cultural groups from most countries of the world in Australia and you will find many other languages are often understood. There will be foreign language assistance at the Council Meeting.)